Yet Another Pointless Holiday

April 20, 2011   My Life

Pointless in the context that it lacks significance for me. Yes, Easter. I’m not even remotely religious, yet every year I yearn for the candy makers to produce a chocolate Jesus on a cross. What’s all this rabbit shit about? Chocolate Easter eggs, all sorts of chocolate, because goddamn it, every month there’s a holiday so there needs to be candy. Well, I want to eat Jesus. Yes, we need a Cadbury Jesus, so when you bite into him he bleeds yolk for your sins.

C'mon, Nestle! Make this mo-fo already!

I have always personally struggled with two things. Misleading children and going to church, but let’s address them separately.

The children, oh yes, the children. We make them believe in the Easter bunny – fuck Jesus, we got a bunny with a basket of candy! We make them believe in Santa Claus – fuck Jesus, we got a fat man in a red suit whose first name can also spell Satan when the letters are rearranged. Easter is a religious holiday. So why do the churches allow the manufacturers to cover up that fact? They certainly aren’t protesting it, so Christianity must be fine with Nestle and everyone else making a mockery out of religion. And besides, it tastes good!

Oh look! He died for his sins! Put that chocolate down!

Now let’s talk church. Better yet, let’s talk to those people that go to church once a week. Once a week. Typically on Sunday. Why? Because they’re too fucking busy for God the other six days. They don’t have time for Him. Yet they figure if they attend church at least once a week – except during football season – then God will be cool with that, He won’t consider you a sinner. Are you fucking mad????? He’s pissed because you’re too damn lazy to go to church everyday. You call yourself a follower? Really? That’s why you can only go to church on Sunday. Followers follow their leader relentlessly. Relentlessly. They don’t go to church, then forget about it until next Sunday. Feel guilty yet? You should. Want to lose the guilt? Be like me and don’t bother. I’m not sure why people are so inclined to hold onto beliefs that are thousands of years old. These same fucking people believed the earth was flat. They were fucking clueless about the Earth, let alone anything beyond it. So, they’re positive there’s a higher power, but the earth comes to an end because it’s flat and we have no reason why. God made it that way. Yeah, that’s it!

Sailor: "Christ! Throw the Bible overboard! How the hell is there a Heaven above the sky, but the damn earth ends?"

But I must admit. The bible – outside of the incessant family tree breakdown of every character in the 1,000-page story- was one damn bloody, sinful, and heinous read. And one has to wonder why the paper is often used by dope smokers when they run out of Zig-Zags. For something so holy, it sure is flammable.

Happy Easter, boys and girls!

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  • Mike

    Nice! Even as someone who recognizes the holiday, I can’t deny the obvious. The fact is that the religious institutions are just as much about the commercialization of the holidays as the candy makers. Easter is usually the most attended holiday, and you can bet that the offering plates will be passed and the guilt will be laid on thick.

    The most ironic thing about the Christian religion is that this Jesus they speak of had a lot to say about the evils of religion, and when he spoke about hell and damnation he was speaking to the religious leaders. Interesting how that message gets overlooked.

    I lost my religion a long time ago, and, although I still believe in God, I often find that I can relate better with my atheist friends than most Christians. Go figure.

    Anyway, pass me another chocolate Jesus…

    • http://sdhintz.com/ S.D. Hintz

      Great point, Mike! I don’t necessarily disbelieve in a higher power, but I am decidedly against religion as a whole. The archaic beliefs and rituals I struggle with and am confused with how people can even relate to them. And the commercialization is ridiculous. When you think about it, it is almost like the Devil swooping in every holiday and saying: “Hey, forget Jesus! He rose from the dead? That’s ridiculous! Now have a chocolate bunny and fill your Easter basket with fake grass!”

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  • Mike

    HA! I couldn’t agree more. Religion is always about power and control, isn’t it? And fear and shame are the best ways to manipulate the simple minded. The rituals and dogma serve to distract people from this fact. And if you add money to the mix, it’s a self sustaining machine that feeds on the ignorant and enriches the powerful. Politics also uses fear as a method to control people, only the boogey men are different. Both systems are rotten to their cores.

    When I read the story of Jesus, I see a guy who consistently took shame and fear off of people and threw it back at religion. I think he’d be pretty pissed that his name is now attached to the world’s largest religion.

    And, about this resurrection stuff, wouldn’t that be the ultimate coup over religion? I mean, if people don’t even have to fear death, then what’s left to control them?

    If I were the Devil I’d definitely want to distract people from that idea, and if all it took was a chocolate bunny and some fake grass, I’d consider that a pretty good deal.

  • http://sdhintz.com/ S.D. Hintz

    You hit the nail on the head there. Politics and religion are exact, both composed gangs to scare people with their knowledge. And I agree on the financial aspect as well. I bet the preachers wouldn’t be preaching so much if they didn’t need the churchgoers money to sustain the establishment and their personal salary.

    Yeah, Jesus would be pissed if he knew what the people had done with his concept. After all, he was a heretic like a lot of others, Koresh (bad example), but you get the idea. And hell, sure he could walk on water – when the Dead Sea is so full of salt a man atheist could’ve skipped across. lol

    Resurrection – another great point. Funny thing is, no one seems to wonder why God will never resurrect them. If they’re going to church to solidify their spot in Heaven, which they probably are, wouldn’t they be up a creek if the only choice in their God’s eyes was death or resurrection.
    Or reincarnation to a chocolate bunny.

  • Mike

    Being a chocolate bunny wouldn’t be so bad I suppose. I like chocolate.

    Indeed, churches are really just businesses. They claim to be doing the work of Christ, but in reality about 80% of the money that goes into the offering plate is used to pay the mortgage, the utility bills, or the salaries of the church staff. That is terribly inefficient, not to mention the other evils that come from it. Didn’t Jesus say that a man cannot serve both God and money? Maybe he was on to something.

    And you’re right, Jesus was a heretic and the leaders hated him because he threatened their power and control. Contrast that with the fact that (in spite of the supposed separation of church and state) the powers in our government are pretty cozy with the churches. I think that is clear evidence that his message has been almost totally lost in religious circles.

    Great point about church people looking to reserve their spot in “heaven”. I really don’t think that heaven is the goal at all, and I think a lot of people will be pretty disappointed when they don’t get issued wings and a harp and their own personal cloud to sit on for eternity.

    Religious people have God all wrong. They’ve given him the personality of the Devil, and then wonder why people are leaving their institutions in droves. But, hey, as a horror writer you’d be a perfect televangelist. Just make up the most horrifying shit you can and then tell people that if they don’t send you their life savings in the next 30 minutes God will make all the shit happen to them when they die.

  • http://sdhintz.com/ S.D. Hintz

    LOL

    My buddy and I have always joked around that we should re-write the Bible and add profanity. Not sure how well that would go over. lol

    And what still creeps me out the most with the churches are the rituals. It parallels witchcraft more than people realize. The body and the blood of Christ, even that sounds sinister. Hard to believe people conform to that after all these centuries.

  • Mike

    That would be funny! It would totally freak out the fundamentalists. But why, I’m not sure. Where is profanity prohibited in the Bible? And do they really think that Jesus hung around all these blue collar fishermen/tax collector types and no one ever swore or made a rude joke? Come on people! Think! Oh, right, that’s not allowed…

    Your observation of the rituals being similar to witchcraft is astute and spot on. One of the books on my reading list is called “Pagan Christianity.” I haven’t read it yet, but the author apparently goes into detail about the fact that much of what passes for Christianity is really of pagan origin. Even Easter has links to Anglo-Saxon goddess Ēostre, and some even claim the links go all the way back to the Babylonian goddess Ishtar and that this is where the bunny and egg symbols come from.

    The body and blood symbols have become really messed up, as you point out. Here, Jesus is basically eating the Passover meal with the guys the night before he was killed. Near the end he told them to remember him each time they ate the Passover in future years, and he added that his body was the bread and his blood was the wine. This would’ve been shocking to the people there, who, being observant Jews, would’ve known that eating flesh and drinking blood were absolutely forbidden by the Jewish law. But I think it was genius! Why? Because I’m pretty sure that even years later they would’ve remembered that this teacher and friend had once said this shocking thing at the dinner table. And they probably would’ve started reminiscing about him, teaching their children and family about this him and his teachings in the process.

    But religion has turned this memory device into a ritual where some even pretend they are actually eating Jesus, like the wine and bread become his actual flesh and blood! Holy shit! That is messed up!

  • http://sdhintz.com/ S.D. Hintz

    That’s some really interesting background. Especially the info about the possible Pagan origins. It definitely makes sense.

    It’s amazing how religion can make everything seem so pure from a book of horrific and often barbaric tales. Yes, sure there is morals in the parables, but teachings back then again was all about scaring the shit out of people. Hell, I’m sure everyone feared Jesus in the Bible. It’s the devil man who walks on water and resurrects the dead! He’s evil! He’s a warlock! LOL

  • Mike

    BTW, happy Easter Scott! I hope you have your stash of chocolate Jesus treats and colored bunny eggs ready to go.

    Right, the Bible is a crazy book, and teaching back then (much like now) was about scaring the shit out of people. I mean, that’s what Moses did, and the prophets and all those other guys in the Bible, because religion does that, that’s how it controls people. But Jesus was an odd character. He went against the grain of fear-based religion. And yes, some people feared him, especially the religious people. And, you laugh, but you’re exactly right, they accused him of being a warlock, possessed by the Devil, and even insane. Anything to marginalize him, just like those in authority do today to those who threaten their power. Jesus didn’t play their games, and in the end they killed him for it.

    Religious people do the same thing today. Maybe not kill people (unless you’re in a less civilized area of the world), but they do write people off, attempt to control them with guilt and shame, condemn them to hell in the name of God, and just plain hate them. Just look at how religious people treat the GLBT community here in the US. But as I recall Jesus had something to say about their hate, something like “anyone who hates his brother is guilty of murder.” Funny how those words are so easily forgotten when the self-righteous judgment is passed around.

  • http://sdhintz.com/ S.D. Hintz

    I agree on that point, the church condemnation of sexuality and race. Oftentimes hypocritical, since they’ve created so much sexual abuse controversy behind their walls. They are definitely discriminatory, and even religions in general certainly look down on the competing religions or put them down like they do the so-called naysayers.

    Sunday Mass tends to be more of a Sunday Scare Tactic. The preacher reading specific verses that focus on punishment of sin and loyalty to God. Must be difficult reciting those passages to a room full of people the preacher knows damn well are going home and fornicating, maybe even dealing drugs, who knows? Surprised those that sin are even allowed in the church. One would think that rather than being forgiven that their evil infects those around them. Hell, just baptize everybody in a good old sponge bath! LOL

  • Mike

    Right on. Sex and race. Religion has totally fucked up these two amazing pieces of relationship and culture. It makes me furious! They have no right. And the hypocrisy unmasks the evil that belies the holy facade. It’s a real shame that so many people, both in and out of the church, believe that the church represents God on earth. If God is as big and powerful as they say he is, then why would he need such a broken system? I’ve come to the conclusion that he doesn’t. The system is a distraction that has nothing to do with God, at least not any God I’d want to know.

    I’ve sat through way too many Sunday Scare Tactic sessions in my life. In the end the message was always the same: God’s pissed, act like you’re better than you actually are and maybe he won’t throw you into a pit of molten lava. Ugh! It makes me sick. And it doesn’t work. As you pointed out, the people still go out and sin. Fear is the best tool religion has, and it doesn’t work.

    Have you ever noticed the parallels between the God that religion presents and an abusive parent? Both get angry over stupid shit. Both tell their children that it is their fault that he’s angry. And both demand unquestioned compliance at the threat of violence. If that is God, then I want nothing to do with him. Fortunately, I’ve found that God is really the exact opposite of this. That is why I hate religion so much. Its lies keep people enslaved to an abusive impostor, but the God I know sets people free from the abuse.

    Oh, and by-the-way, they already thought of the sponge bath idea. They call it christening or infant baptism. I’m telling you, all the really good ideas are already taken!

  • http://sdhintz.com/ S.D. Hintz

    The God they worship in their religions is probably laughing his ass at their simple-minded, humanistic beliefs.